Musings in Early 2020

After our family Christmas celebration, Hardy and I stood in our doorway and said good-bye to our children and grandchildren. You can still see their footprints in the snow. 

The old year 2019 is behind us and we wonder what the new year will bring. At our age we often look backwards rather than forwards. Many of our loved ones have preceded us in death, and the new year has already made its claims. 

The poem Winter Sleep, by American poet Edith Matilda Thomas (1854-1925), resonates with me. Here is the last stanza:

I know I must be dying (Death draws near) --

I know I must be dying, for I crave

Life -- life, strong life, and think not of the grave,

And turf-bound silence, in the frosty year.

When I check the dates of Thomas's life, it is small comfort to realize that I have already passed her age at death by five and a half years! 

I deliberately choose not to dwell on that thought. Rather, I want to be grateful for my good health and enjoy it as much as possible. Love is stronger than death, and in the words of Henri Nouwen

"Let us claim the truth that we are loved and open our hearts to receive God's overflowing love poured out for us. And living fully each day, let us share that love in all our wonderful and difficult relationships, responsibilities and passages."

Relationships do not get easier as one grows older, they just become different. We have more time together, something we craved in our younger years. Breakfast is a time when we share our thoughts and communicate with one another. This is not always pleasant, especially due to hearing loss and the frustrations that accompany that affliction. I remember my parents sitting close at the breakfast table, a look of concentration on my Dad's face as he tried to understand what Mom was reading from the Neukirchener Kalender (a German devotional calendar). Their roles reversed when Dad became hearing-impaired; he was always the one who read while Mom listened. 

In retirement, it's nice to be able to choose the time for an activity. For example, on our anniversary this week (52 years!) we went to a movie in the afternoon. It was one Hardy had already seen with our grandson a few days earlier and thought I would enjoy, and did I ever! Knives Out is a wonderful mystery detective story in which family dynamics play a huge role.

In the evening we often play Scrabble when we are at home. I, being a #3 on the Enneagram, am the competitive type. Hardy (being a #1) is a perfectionist. He takes a very long time to form his words, and I sometimes turn to my iPad while he ponders his next move. I keep a running score and right now we are even!

I cherish my reading hours, and I'm going to read my friend Dora Dueck's novel for the second time as we will be discussing it at our sisters' book club in February. This book is all about family dynamics from the perspective of an archivist, looking back at her childhood as a middle-aged married woman from a Mennonite background. Our book club consists of my four sisters and me. We tend to be passive-aggressive in our relationships, avoiding direct confrontation. I was not aware of this until after my marriage. My husband is confrontational and verbalizes everything, and that took some adjusting on my part!

I read something on a Facebook posting recently that rang true to me. I don't know who wrote it so can't give credit, but I thought it was rather profound. Although Hardy and I have been married 52 years, we never cease to learn and grow !