Our oldest grandchild is graduating from high school in June. Ben's life in the outside world is just beginning as mine is diminishing. I have so much life experience and he has so little. I wonder what I can tell him. He hasn't asked me very much about my life. Later, when he is older, and I am no longer here, he will wonder about it and wish he had asked me more questions. Maybe he will read my blog posts and find some answers there.
Or he might read my memoir (I have so far only written an introduction and am having a hard time going beyond that).
Or he might read my memoir (I have so far only written an introduction and am having a hard time going beyond that).
My Mom, Ben's great-grandmother, sharing some of her joy with Ben when he was two
My Dad, imparting some of his life wisdom to one of his grandchildren
Jason Mahn, Associate Professor of Religion and Director of the Presidential Center for Faith and Learning at Augustana College in Illinois, gave me some insight:
Educators are called to tell their own stories in ways that include regret, remorse, mourning, and roads not taken. Only then can we help our students navigate a world where multiple, conflicting callings will always shape them into the complex, vulnerable creatures they are.
Maybe that is why I'm not making progress on my memoir. Who wants to write about regrets, mourning, and roads not taken?!
There is always the nagging question in the back of the mind: "What if?" . . .
What if . . . someone had encouraged me to stick to the university entrance math course instead of choosing bookkeeping in grade 11 because I hated geometry . . . ?
There is always the nagging question in the back of the mind: "What if?" . . .
What if . . . someone had encouraged me to stick to the university entrance math course instead of choosing bookkeeping in grade 11 because I hated geometry . . . ?
What if . . . that boy I had a crush on all through high school had actually had the same feeling for me, and not dated my best friend on grad night . . . ?
What if . . . I had done this, or chosen that, or listened to my heart instead of
to my elders . . . ?
to my elders . . . ?
When I graduated from high school, I had two goals and both of them seemed impossible to reach at the time:
1) I wanted to complete my education by going to university
2) I wanted to get married
My Dad and I had a talk after graduation and he gave me some other ideas. I listened because I didn't know what else to do. The rest is history! I did achieve both goals I had set for myself, but in a different way than I anticipated, and that makes for an interesting life story (some of which I have shared in previous blog posts).
What Thomas Merton (1915-1968) says in a prayer resonates with me. I have prayed this same prayer many times throughout my life:
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
My advice to my grandson at this significant time in his life is this:
A seed only flourishes by staying in the ground in which it is sown. When you keep digging the seed up to check whether it is growing, it will never bear fruit. Think of yourself as a little seed planted in rich soil. All you have to do is stay there and trust that the soil contains everything you need to grow.
This growth takes place even when you do not feel it.
(Henri J.M. Nouwen)
This growth takes place even when you do not feel it.
(Henri J.M. Nouwen)
This is a touching post, Elfrieda. I can't know what Mahn meant when he said, "Educators are called to tell their own stories in ways that include regret, remorse, mourning, and roads not taken," but I wonder if he meant the writer shouldn't include only the good and happy things from their lives?
ReplyDeleteLives are a mixture of emotions and experiences, successes and failures. Sometimes people sit down to write their life stories and don't want to include the regrets, remorse, and mourning because they think they'll hurt someone's feelings or someone will think they weren't grateful or some such thing. The result is they aren't honest about their life.
One of my workshop leaders said, if the writer isn't telling the truth, the reader will know. As my writing buddies and I were writing our memoirs, there were many times when one or the other of us put forward a piece that didn't ring true with the others. As the critique and discussion continued, invariably we'd find that the writer had chosen not to go deep into a situation because it hurt too much. The same workshop leader said, "You may not be ready to write about something, and that's okay. But when you do write, you need to put it all out there."
I don't know if this is blocking you, but maybe. Personally, I think you've done a lot of your basic story writing already. It's in your blogs. If you pulled those posts all together, your grandson will know a great deal about you.
Wishing you the best. Memoir writing is no easy feat.
Carol, thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful reply. Yes, I believe that is the secret to successful writing, it is what touches the reader, when you share most deeply and profoundly and honestly from all of life's experiences, not just the happy ones. It is also what helps us communicate better with our children and grandchildren, our relatives and friends.
ReplyDeleteOh life passes by so quickly. I do agree that if we are to tell our own stories they have to include it all...joys, sorrows, fears, failures, regrets & longings. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts Elfrieda. I especially like the piece by Henri Nowen at the end. You have had a life of amazing experiences and a wonderful family to share it with it.
ReplyDeleteThe photos bring back so many memories!
Beautiful😍😍
Thank you, Ruth, So glad you are part of my family and my memories.
ReplyDeleteElfrieda, there is much to admire about this post, but I especially noted your dad's kindly shoulder hug of his grand-daughter. He is responding to some emotion his grand-daughter has evoked, possibly at a time when she feels vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteThat's what memoirists do, show vulnerability as they reveal life experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly ... selectively according to theme) so other's can relate. That's what I'm doing right now: Taking the long view of my early life now fifty years later and all the transformation that has occurred in the meantime.
Thanks for sharing the wisdom of Thomas Merton whom I quoted in a blog post not long ago. Carol has good advice for you about harvesting blog material. Several of my blog posts became the "seeds' for memoir chapters.
Write on, brave soul!
Marian, thanks for your encouraging words! I like how you draw a parallel between the vulnerability of the grandchild and the vulnerability of the memoirist.
DeleteOh the tears are flowing! I see my father, my mother, my daughter and my great nephew and I miss them all so much and in such different ways. My mom and dad are physically gone and I miss them every day. My daughter is out of her teens and I miss that but I love her adult self. My great nephew is a grown-up who I’m getting to know all over again. Life changes constantly. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up and we just have to let the tears flow and go with the flow. I think that’s what you need to do with your memoirs, Elfrieda. Go with the flow and see where it takes you. When the time is right you will know and you will do what needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteTears are healing, let them flow, and I'll go with the flow! Thanks, Marge!
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post, Elfrieda - I'm touched by your reflection that brings together members of your family, your own experience, and helpful, inspiring writers. I especially resonate with the prayer by Thomas Merton on trusting God for the road ahead. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, April. It's all about the trust and knowing We are not alone, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteElfrieda, thank you for sharing personally even as you wrestle with how to share personally while writing a memoir. Your thoughts on regret, remorse, mourning, and roads not taken are what jump out at me. I've been thinking about issues like this when preparing for sermons. Here's my current thinking. When we have painful experiences, we either pass on their pain to others or we absorb the leaden pain, transform it into gold and then pass on the gold. Or maybe more realistically, the sharing happens somewhere in the middle of the process; the sharing itself is part of the alchemy of turning lead into gold, for author and listener.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these wise words, coming from the wealth of experience you have as a pastor, Mary Anne.
ReplyDeleteI know Jason Mahn, Elfrieda! How exciting to see you quote him. Do you know him personally or through his writing only?
ReplyDeleteLucky you to see your grandchildren graduate. If I get to see Lydia, I will be 88 years old!
I too love the Merton quote. There is something so transparently vulnerable about it. He invites us to drop all pretense and trust. Thanks for the reminder of what is most important.
I read Jason Mahn's blog post entitled "The Tragedy of the Road not Taken" (March 28, 2018) in the blog "Vocation Matters" and the quote is taken from that post. I don't know him personally, but I was impressed by that post.
ReplyDeleteLydia is your youngest grandchild, so you will be younger when the older two graduate. And you've probably inherited your mother's longevity genes! I'm pretty sure you'll be there with bells on your toes! If not, there will be angel dust! You can't not be there!
Your post causes reflection on the issues in memoir writing around regret, and I'm grateful for that. Thanks too for the reference to Jason Mahn's post, which is well worth reading. I think we grew up in a church culture that suggested there was "one" way (also known as God's will) for us and so we were often more anxious than perhaps we should have been about our unfolding lives. The fear was: What if we missed it? But of course we didn't! We lived, winding lives of forwards and sideways and backwards, and they were our lives, human but given grace. I hear you telling that story in your posts and it sounds authentic, and deep. There's more I'm mulling but enough for now. Maybe I'll pick up this theme in one of my posts someday. It's an important one.
ReplyDeleteAt this stage I enjoy looking back on the life I have lived and seeing it in its entirety. I don't know how I could have lived it without the voice of the Beloved encouraging me and guiding me through all those twists and turns, not always knowing if where I was going was where I was supposed to go, but always the voice beside me, reassuring and trustworthy!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dora.