My natural reaction toward the perpetrators of pain is disgust. I want to see them punished for what they have done, locked up so they can't hurt anyone again. They should know what pain their actions have caused and they should feel that pain. This is especially true if they have hurt young children or vulnerable teenagers.
Recently the church where I worship has found itself in the unfamiliar and rather uncomfortable position of supporting people who have caused grievous pain to others, in both cases to teenagers and their parents.
One of these people, as pastor of a congregation, was in a position of great trust. He knowingly and willfully abused that trust by taking photos of young women in washrooms. He is waiting for his day in court.
This man asked for permission to attend our worship services. Church council prayerfully pondered the request, informed the church membership and asked for time to consider. After six months of deliberation, council again brought the request to the membership and we agreed (by vote) to allow him to worship with us. Parameters were put in place ensuring that he would never be alone while in the church building and that he would not ever have contact with young children in our congregation unless he was accompanied by someone.
Not everyone was comfortable with this decision and some who had been church members for years walked away. They could not be in the same building with a man who so blatantly misused the trust of others. They were concerned about the safety of children and young people, a very legitimate concern.
The second person is a truck driver and the partner of a woman who recently joined the church. For just a few minutes, while driving his truck, he drifted off. He entered a construction zone without slowing down. Three teenage boys were killed instantly and a construction worker was seriously injured. The truck driver suffered minor injuries. He has been charged with criminal negligence for causing the death of three people and injuring another.
Very seldom do I ask myself how the people who cause pain to others might be feeling. What they have done eclipses the fact that they too are hurting. My natural reaction is to judge them rather than to put myself into their shoes. I can't even imagine that I would ever do such a thing. I can understand and empathize with the truck driver to some degree because the pain he caused others was due to negligence, not to willful planning. But I find myself judging him too. He seemed to have an answer for every situation. I'm hoping this experience will humble him. I ask myself how I would feel if I was a parent of one of the teenagers who was killed. Would I even know how to address this pain positively or would it break me?
The second person is a truck driver and the partner of a woman who recently joined the church. For just a few minutes, while driving his truck, he drifted off. He entered a construction zone without slowing down. Three teenage boys were killed instantly and a construction worker was seriously injured. The truck driver suffered minor injuries. He has been charged with criminal negligence for causing the death of three people and injuring another.
Very seldom do I ask myself how the people who cause pain to others might be feeling. What they have done eclipses the fact that they too are hurting. My natural reaction is to judge them rather than to put myself into their shoes. I can't even imagine that I would ever do such a thing. I can understand and empathize with the truck driver to some degree because the pain he caused others was due to negligence, not to willful planning. But I find myself judging him too. He seemed to have an answer for every situation. I'm hoping this experience will humble him. I ask myself how I would feel if I was a parent of one of the teenagers who was killed. Would I even know how to address this pain positively or would it break me?
The pastor who misused the trust of his congregation just makes me angry. I had a high regard for him before I knew what he had done. I wonder how I could have been so gullible. I ask myself what else he would have done had he not been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and what else he has done that we know nothing about. Now that he is part of my church community, I am forced to interact with him; if I try to avoid him, he is still in my thoughts and prayers.
I realize that people who hurt others willfully (like the pastor) have not learned to deal with their own needs adequately. But having this abusive person in our midst is causing me pain. How can I handle this situation constructively? Can I do it by giving in to my fears, walking away and thus rejecting him? That seems negative to me. Can I force myself to welcome him, to embrace his presence? I am thinking that will be healing for both of us, but it is a difficult journey; I can't do it on my own.
I realize that people who hurt others willfully (like the pastor) have not learned to deal with their own needs adequately. But having this abusive person in our midst is causing me pain. How can I handle this situation constructively? Can I do it by giving in to my fears, walking away and thus rejecting him? That seems negative to me. Can I force myself to welcome him, to embrace his presence? I am thinking that will be healing for both of us, but it is a difficult journey; I can't do it on my own.
Let our strength be in forgiving as forgiven we must be,
One to one in costly loving, finding trust and growing free,
Gentle God, be our release, gentle Spirit, teach us peace.
Shirley E. Murray
I think your journey is off to a great start by accepting & not judging !
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ruth. It is a stretching experience for me,
ReplyDeleteYou've touched on a really difficult topic, Elfrieda. We all judge; it's human nature.
ReplyDeleteThere was a line in the book "The Light Between Oceans" by M.L. Stedman that struck me: "You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day."
I don't agree with this quote entirely, because personally I find that forgiveness is not a one-time thing, but it does go to a core issue. Anger and resentment both send us down paths that hurt us more than they hurt the person we may be angry and resentful of.
Trying to walk for a moment in someone else's shoes by considering how they may be feeling is a good start toward developing compassion and healing ourselves.
Thanks Carol, that is very helpful to me. I really like the quote.
ReplyDeleteI saw a Humans of New York post yesterday that made me explore the same question: a young woman talked about how her father moved back in when she was 9, and that at first he was kind and read bedtime stories to them, but "he got bored of that quickly." When she was 16, he punched her so hard she lost her front teeth. At first, i was horrified but then I began to think about the bedtime stories and how he had tried and perhaps simply did not have the capacity or had been wounded himself. It does not take away from my sense of outrage but it widens the issue for me to consider the perpetrator. I also had some dealings with someone in the last year who had always been wonderful and who acted in a very destructive and shameful way in one regard--it made me wonder whether there really are no monsters out there, whether even in the worst people there is something redeeming, and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, this situation reminds me of what we are all capable of doing, sometimes willfully, sometimes through neglect, and sometimes because we are overwhelmed with our own issues.When we are able to recognize that in ourselves, then we can accept and forgive the other.Thanks for your observations, Susan.
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